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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 30, 2012 10:30am-11:00am PDT

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two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the region. >> israel. our closest friend in the region. >> they have to abide by their
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treaty with israel. >> our ally israel. >> our bond w israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. (laughter) >> stephen: i was playing a drinking game last night where i took a shot of manischewitz every time -- (cheers and applause) every time someone said "israel" and by the end of the debate i was totally diabetic. (laughter) but, folks, this wasn't just about israel it was also about countries that pose a threat to israel. a threat that obama has done nothing to stop. >> we're four years closer to a nuclear iran. we're four years closer to a nuclear iran. >> yes. four years after obama was elected, four whole years have passed. (laughter) the president did nothing to stop the march of time
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(laughter) not only is iran four years closer to a nuclear bomb, if you think about it, everybody is. even me! (cheers and applause) admittedly, i'm still far away. the mentos and diet coke stage. but still. (laughter) and, folks, mitt laid out his prosecution of the president's weak leadership. >> four years ago the president began what i called an apology tour of going to various nations in the middle east and criticizing america. i think they look at that and saw weakness. >> nothing governor romney just said is true. >> yes it is! (laughter) you apologized. not only that, you bowed to leaders all over the world! that is not presidential! f.d.r. never bowed to foreign leaders. (laughter) he never even stood for them! (laughter)
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but obama -- (cheers and applause) -- obama, obama will bow to anyone! hell, after the debate he bowed to romney's grandson! (laughter) and, folks, great points by romney but it's not just what romney said it's the way he didn't say it. >> the president had a very intent look on his face. i wouldn't describe it as a mean look, i would describe it as a man looking for opportunities to strike. >> governor romney, it seemed to me, had this kind of benign default expression in which he appears to be interested most of the time, he has a slight smile on his face but not a smug one. i wonder if hi his was not the more attractive default expression. (laughter) >> stephen: yes! romney's face totally kicked obama's face's ass. (laughter) jimmy, put up romney's default expression. see? see? that's nice. that reminds me of a benevolent
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angel watching me shower. (laughter) hi! (laughter) that guy can watch me all day. and, of course, of course, of course mitt was smiling! because he knows he nailed it. >> governor romney did do what he needed to do which was to present himself as a very plausible commander-in-chief. >> mitt romney had a job tonight and that was to come across as a plausible commander-in-chief. >> romney simply needing to show that, you know, he's a plausible president. >> and he achieved plausible. (laughter) millions of americans looked at mitt romney last night and said "he looks like he could sit in an oval room." (laughter) plausibility is a huge victory for romney because this race is neck and neck. >> we've seen this latest poll out of the nbc and "wall street journal." 47/47, pretty much corresponds with what we're seeing out there. an absolute dead heat. >> stephen: as we know from history, the rules clearly
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dictate that in the event of a tie our next president will be george w. bush. (cheers and applause) we miss you, sir. we miss you. but at this point, either candidate still has a shot as long as they can win over one key demographic. >> president obama and governor romney faced off. many polls showing them running neck in neck, making the remaining undecided voters more important than ever. >> the undecided voters. the voters in the swing states who could decide this election. >> mitt romney and barack obama yearn for their vote, the elusive mysterious undecided voter. (laughter) >> stephen: yes, they yearn. (cheers and applause) yes. elusive, mysterious undecided voters. i wonder what he's thinking. (laughter) or if. (laughter) folks, folks, here's how it stands. the electoral kitchen is closing in two weeks and they still can't decide if they want the
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black-and-white cookie or the decaf wheat thin. (laughter) they're elusive! but we know that they're out there! these campaigns have spent billions of dollars trying to capture them with lawn signs, t.v. ads, radio spots, internet banners, robocalls and, for some lucky ohio voters, an amorous david axelrod with a rose in his teeth. (laughter) but a few and the liesing facts about these mysterious creatures have emerged. >> undecided voter they say typically a single white female between 18 and 29 years old, she has a job with a low income, she did not graduate from college. according to this poll she skipped watching the debate. >> stephen: fascinating. the person who will decide this race is a likely voter who is a young woman with low income and low education who is also isolated from any news.
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(laughter) well, ladies and gentlemen, tonight i have found one such voter. from the swing state of north carolina, undecided voter nell. thank you for joining me, nell. (laughter and applause) thank you so much. now, nell, nell, you are a feral back-woods woman who knows nothing of either of these candidates or, for that matter, human society. (laughter) which way are you leaning now? >> rom-a-nay. mitt rom-a-nay! >> stephen: okay, so you're leaning romney at this point. what it is about romney's message that-- and, again, you know nothing about him-- that appeals to you. obarma. baracka obarma. >> stephen: i'm sorry, did you say obama? are you ready to do for more years? >> i'm like-a-lay. like-a-lay. >> stephen: i'm aware of that. you are a likely voter.
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we've established that much. but which candidate are you like-a-lay to vote for? (laughter) >> santor-um. >> stephen: rick santorum is not in the race any more! just make up your mind! come on! is it romney or obama? >> rom-bama-ney rom-bama-ney. >> stephen: we'll be right back. ,x
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. thanks, folks! nation, there is no bigger fan of the sport of cycling than yours truly. (laughter) i love every part of it: the wheels, the kick stand, the little bell. of course, my hero is seven-time tour de france winner and friend of the show lance armstrong. a pioneer in the sport he was, of course, the first man to ride his bike on the moon. (laughter) that's one small pair of shorts far man, one giant bulge for mankind. (laughter) of course, all that is ruined now because the u.s. anti-doping agency is accused armstrong of leading a massive doping program throughout his career. i don't understand why they're coming down on lance for doping!
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of course you need drugs to compete in a multiweek bicycle race! you need drugs just to watch one! (laughter) and now my friend lance has received the harshest punishment in the history of cycling. >> cycling's international governing body stripped lance armstrong of his seven tour de france titles and banned him for life from the sport. >> stephen: so what are they going to do to the titles now, give them to the runners up? oh, i'm sure they weren't doping. they finished second behind a guy who rocketed up mountain sides with powdered monkey nut injected into his heart. (laughter) yeah, these guys are clean, no doubt. squeaky. (laughter) but, folks, losing his seven titles is not the worst news for lance. >> experts estimate lance armstrong might lose up to $200 million now that his big sponsors have dropped out-- nike radio shack, trek.
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>> stephen: that's $199,999,997 from nike and trek and a pair of a.a.a. batteries from radio shack. (laughter) now folks, this scandal has also affected lance's cancer charity livestrong known for their yellow bracelets. so lance is doing the right thing. >> lance armstrong is stepping down as chairman of his livestrong cancer-fighting charity. he says he wants to step down as a result to limit the damage from the doping scandal involving him. >> he had no choice. everything he touches now is tainted and he doesn't want to soil the good name of cancer. (laughter) so he's distancing himself -- (laughter) he's got to do it. so he's distancing himself from the organization by stepping down as chairman and merely
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remaining on the board as, you know, i was so inspired by lance arm strong's live strong that i started my own rubber bracelet charity wristrong to raise awareness of wrist--- wrist-related injuries. all too common. it's glorified by hollywood. glorified. by the way -- right here, folks. by the way, you can still purchase wristrong brong bracelets at, all proceeds go to the yellow ribbon fund that supports the families of wounded troops at walter reed and the fort belvoir community hospital. and, folks -- (cheers and applause) folks, it pains me to say this but, like lance, there's also a scandal surrounding me and my charity. in the same way that lance won
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seven consecutive tour de france i have won my show for seven consecutive years. (laughter) unprecedented in the history of "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) sadly, sadly these repeated victories have led to accusations that anybody showing this much sack for that long must be ball doping. and, folks, frankly, i've just grown weary of these charges. are my balls big? yes. when i fly do i need to buy two extra seats? sure. but it's all natural. so you may ask steven, why aren't you fighting these charges? because i don't want to drag america through my ball scandal! (laughter) or scandalize america by dragging my balls through it! it's a real problem. that's why i don't wear wide-legged pants. or ride escalators anymore. that is also why -- true.
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dangerous. that is also why effective today i am stepping down as chairman of the wristrong foundation. (boos) i have to do this. i have to do this. we haven't spoken but i trust my balls will also be stepping down. or at least descending. there it is. and though i will no longer be chairman, i will be staying on the board which has no other members but me. so i am proud to announce that starting today i will be serving as interim chairman of the wristrong foundation. (cheers and applause) now, folks -- now, folks, -- (cheers and applause) i'm sure a lot of people out there are saying will this
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scandal follow me? yes, the same way my balls follow me in a motorized side car i use on the weekends. i'm tired. (laughter) as it is all the titles i have learned in the last seven years, the reverend sir dr. stephen t. mos def heavyweight champion of the world i will retain but they will now have to add an asterisk you know what, make that two. no, jimmy, make them bigger. there you go. (cheers and applause) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back! my guest tonight is the author of such best sealing legal thrillers as "the firm." i can't wait for this interview to be adapted into a movie. please welcome john grisham. (cheers and applause) hey, good to see you, john! thank you for coming back! all right. good to see you again. it's been about five years. how many books have you cranked out in those last five years. >> at least 12. >> stephen: 12 books? you and stephen king, do you have a contest going on or something like that? who can -- do you ever call him up and go "4,500 words today beyoch." >> no, but he'll call me up and
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say this is 48, you only have 30. but he got published earlier than i did. >> stephen: would you go back to being a lawyer? >> never. >> stephen: why not? >> i was starving. >> stephen: you must have sucked as a lawyer! (laughter) >> i had a lot of clients in prison. >> stephen: okay, this is one of the things i don't like about you, okay? you've got a new book here called "racketeer" all right? sure it's a great book. >> it's brilliant. (laughter) >> stephen: the dust cover is gripping so far. but in a lot of your books it's like these things are trojan horses to get me to like these liberal causes like homelessness or the death penalty and a lot of times the bad guy is some corporate dude. are you anti-corporate america? >> not completely. >> stephen: uh-huh. some of them! there's some good ones! >> there are a lot of good corporations. >> stephen: what's wrong with homelessness? >> are you attacking homeless
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people? >> stephen: only when they ask for things from a the government. that is my money, i worked hard for the money and i don't see why it should go to some bum who can't get off his ass and write a best-selling novel. (laughter and applause) or host a television show! (cheers and applause) now the book itself is about a bunch of judges that get killed, right? >> just one. >> stephen: just one judge? >> only two dead bodies which is kind of light for me. (laughter) >> stephen: really? off day? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: killing a judge in a book, is that fan fiction for you? >> sure. >> stephen: is that fantasy fiction? >> every lawyer wants to do that i felt that way when i was a lawyer, there were a bunch i wanted to kill. (laughter) >> stephen: people say write about what you what you know -- (laughter)
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john grisham, is there something you're trying to tell us? (cheers and applause) you don't have to tell me what it is but are there any things that you've done that are illegal that you would want a better lawyer than you defending you? (laughter) >> i can't think of anything i've done that's, like, really illegal. maybe some speeding, going over 55 miles an hour, something like that. a little mini income tax cheating. not admitting anything but maybe maybe. >> stephen: that's okay. tell us about the nblg tax. >> a little bit. >> stephen: the i.r.s. has a great sense of humor. (laughter) >> oh, they've got a file on me, yeah. >> stephen: do you think so? >> we've had issues over the years. >> stephen: have you ever done a foya request on yourself? >> a what? >> stephen: foya request? >> oh, freedom of information? >> stephen: do i know more about the law than you do? is that what that is? (laughter) foye ya.
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have you ever thought about writing something other than lawyers? have you written books about anything other than lawyers? >> i've written a couple books about football, a book about baseball, a book about -- a couple comic novel bus i always come back to the law, that's whey what i know. i couldn't write about architects or dentists or anything you know. they wouldn't sell. people love stories about lawyers, especially crooked lawyers and dead judges. this stuff sells. (laughter) it sells. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you've got to go with what you know. john grisham, thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) the book is "the racketeer" john gri
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the "report," everybody. good night! (cheers and applause) [thinking] i really missed living with turk. but living with elliot wasn't that bad. hey, roomie. i'm having the girls from my yoga class over for drinks tonight, and fyi, tina, the tiny brunette, just got dumped, and she's looking for rebound sex. honestly, how could i be a better roommate? [thinking] she could be half-turk and half-elliot. hey, dog, if you die before me, you can play with my boobies while i finish.